“Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’ So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6).
When I was growing up (my pre-teen days), things were different. If a man and a woman wanted to live together, they got married. If they got married, they stayed married. They would have children, raise their family and grow old together. That was the norm. Anything else was scandalous.
That was then; this is now, and how times have changed. It is not unusual for a couple seeking to get married to have already lived with each other for a period of time, sometimes years prior to getting married. It’s not unusual for at least one of the couple to have at least one child, and sometimes the child is not a product of the current relationship. People who get married may say, “Until death do us part,” but we have to wonder if they had their fingers crossed when they said it.
I’ve spoken to people who tell me they’re divorcing, and my first words are ones of regret: “I’m sorry to hear that.” My regret is usually met with a, “No, it’s for the better” or “It’s okay,” but I reply, “Still, even if it’s for the best, you didn’t enter into the marriage with the idea that it would come to this.” And I’ve yet to speak to someone who said, “No, I figured if we could make it five years (or any other length of time) then we’d move on.”
So, yes, we live in different times. And in doing so, we somehow or some way got away from what the Bible says about marriage, divorce, sex and family. So, maybe it’s a good time now to look again, to go back to the roots and see if it needs updating.
Why? If a person is a follower of Christ, the clearest indication of God’s will is found in the Bible. If a person is not a follower of Christ, it’s still a good idea to know where the believers are coming from, if for no other reason than perspective.
The Bible and Sex
To understand the basis for marriage, we have to understand the intimate relationship between two adults. We need to know what the Bible says about sexual relationships.
The most obvious verse that speaks about sexuality in the Bible is from the Ten Commandments: “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 19:14). But there’s also the Commandment against covetousness: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife” (Exodus 19:17a). There are other verses that speak of sexuality:
- “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
- “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
- “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness” (Galatians 5:19—King James Version).
Leviticus 18 is where God gives the nation of Israel His rules regarding sexual relationships. Among the bans found in this passage are to not have sex with close family relations (v. 6); incest (vs. 7-18), during a woman’s menstruation time (v. 19); homosexuality (v. 22); and bestiality (v. 23).
The Bible is very clear that sex outside of marriage is very much against God’s will. The King James Version distinguishes between adultery (sex between at least one married person not married to the other partner) and fornication (sex between unmarried people). The New International Version simply declares sex outside of marriage is immorality, and there are numerous verses that speak out against immorality and immoral behavior. God has such disfavor with sexual immorality that He makes special note of it in Revelation 21:8: “But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
Several years ago, I was talking with a young woman with whom I worked. She attended church regularly and professed to be a Christian, and the subject of sex outside of marriage came up. I told her the Bible was clearly against such an idea. She is approximately 20 years younger than I, and her comment was that her generation didn’t interpret the Bible the way my generation did. Sadly, the issue of where the Bible stands on his matter of sexuality is not really open to interpretation. It’s not a generational thing. Granted, each generation places a greater emphasis on some aspects of the Christian faith than other generations do; that’s not unusual. But whether a generation or a person or a group of people choose whether or not to emphasize one aspect of the faith over another aspect does not change the fact that the Bible is very clear in some matters that we really can’t get around.
God’s intention all along is that the sexual relationship was to be exclusively a part of the marital relationship, and to take sex outside of marriage is to invite all sorts of problems for society, both spiritually and socially. It is something that needs to be considered more carefully than we are currently doing.
So, What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?
“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number.’” (Genesis 1:2728a).
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ . . . Then God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. . . . The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:18, 22, 25).
To understand the purpose of marriage, we need to consider these first few verses to see God’s plan. God created all humanity in His image—He gave us a spiritual being to go with our physical body and our soul. His intent was that we would be fruitful—that we would have families. He created us to complement each other—to be a helper (which applies to both the man and the woman). And, in the last verse, we see that the woman is identified as the wife, letting us know that Adam and Eve were married. So, God intends for us to marry, and in that relationship to complement and help one another, and that husbands and wives are to have children and raise them in His ways (cf. Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
As we know from the quote of Jesus at the outset of this paper, it is God’s intention that marriage is for life—“what God has joined together, let man not separate.” The Bible is more explicit as to the sanctity of marriage and the intention of God for marriages to remain intact can be found in 1 Corinthians. “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). What this means is that each marriage should be entered into only after much careful consideration, and then once the commitment has been made, all due effort must be made to maintain the relationship.
The relationship is mutually beneficial, and mutually giving. “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:2-4). It should be noted in this verse that the understanding is that one man shall be married to one woman. Despite the polygamy of the Old Testament (Jacob, David and Solomon are notable examples of polygamous marriages), the practice in the Bible is for monogamy.
The relationship should be one of mutual submission, love and respect (Ephesians 5:21-33). In reading this passage, it is often pointed out that the wife is to submit to the husband, and that’s true. But consider the time and place where Paul was writing. At the time, the wife had no rights under marriage—she was essentially her husband’s property. The option of submitting or not was not there. Paul takes that and adds the provision that this submission is as to the Lord—a loving and trusting surrender of the will to One who has our best interest at heart. And, as the wife is commanded to submit, the husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. Such love is sacrificial, given unconditionally and always with the best interest of the loved one. This passage does not give the husband the right to lord it over his wife, but speaks of mutual submission, unconditional love and unconditional respect. These elements must be present in a successful marriage.
(An excellent book on love and respect has been written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The name of the book is “Love and Respect” with the subtitle “The love she most desires; the respect he desperately needs.” It raises some excellent points about how these mutual needs can enhance a marriage when put into practice or destroy a marriage when neglected or ignored. It is a very good read with very practical advice.)
What About Divorce?
The opening verses used in this paper were taken from a discussion between Jesus and the Pharisees found in Matthew 19:3-12. The Pharisees asked Jesus the question, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” Jesus’ response was the verses quoted earlier. In response, the Pharisees ask, “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus’ response is, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wife because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (vs. 8-9).
In Paul’s instructions found in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul adds that believers should never divorce. In cases where the believer is married to an unbeliever, if both consent to remain married, they must do so. But if the non-believer should decide to end the marriage, Paul says it is permissible. “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (vs. 15-16).
What does all this mean? It means this: God has never intended anyone to divorce, far from it. “Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. ’I hate divorce,’ says the God of Israel” (Malachi 2:13-16a).
And yet, God does allow divorce (cf. Deuteronomy 24:1-4). According to Jesus, it was because of the hardness of our hearts that divorce is permitted. In the Old Testament, indeed throughout the Bible, a basis for divorce could be for any reason that the wife displeases the husband, and only the husband could divorce the wife. We allow that in our society, as well, though now we allow the wife to initiate the divorce proceedings. We call it “no fault” divorce and usually cite “irreconcilable differences” to allow for such divorces.
There are times when a marriage should end. A person should never remain in an abusive relationship. If a person feels threatened physically, emotionally or mentally, that person should remove themselves from such a relationship. If a person finds themselves married to another who repeatedly ignores the sanctity of marriage through committing adultery, then that marriage is a sham and could also be ended. There are other valid reasons to terminate a marriage, but as in entering into a marriage should only come after careful consideration, so, too, should the marriage end only as an act of deliberation and prayer and counsel from others. As Paul wrote, God has called us to live in peace.
So what happens if a person divorces? Are they condemned to a life of living singly for the remainder of their life? Again, we need to consider the Scripture with the same spirit and heart of God. It seems that God does not wish us to be alone in our world—hence the creation of man and woman and a helper. He understands we need companionship. For that reason, I would consider it permissible for a person who is divorced to remarry if the right circumstances come along. The question of whether or not such a relationship only creates an adulterous relationship as suggested in Jesus’ response to the Pharisees cited earlier, it is important to remember that there is only one unpardonable sin, and adultery isn’t it.
The bottom line is that we need to always remember that God’s love is always behind all He does and wants for us. He calls us to a ministry of reconciliation with Him and with others, and He reminds us that it is better to be married than to live in a perpetual state of burning with passion. To openly live in an adulterous relationship would be more harmful than in remarrying. Finally, lest we look down upon a divorced person who chooses to remarry, we need to remember that judgment is not our responsibility, and that only the one who is sinless has the right to cast the first stone. Jesus didn’t come to condemn, but to save; we would do well to emulate His example.
Conclusion
There is so much more we can say about marriage, divorce and other issues relating to the relationship between men and women, and we haven’t even touched on relationships between men and men or women and women. That’s for another time. Be it sufficient at this time to state that God intends for people to marry, that He doesn’t intend for us to divorce, but He does make provision for such an event.
As with everything about living in a fallen and sinful world, it is important that we remember we are also fallen and sinful, but that God’s grace is sufficient to see us through. We also must remember to extend grace and mercy as we have received it.
Marriage is not an easy thing and should not be entered into lightly, nor should it come to a premature ending lightly. God honors a society that remains true to our marital commitments, and He wants us to live in peace with Him and with each other. We therefore need to work on our marriages and cover them with love, respect and patience, as well as a Christ-centered commitment to one another.
© 2018Glynn Beaty