At one point in the Gospels, Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone. Peter, wanting to impress Jesus, suggests he forgive seven times. Jesus’ response was, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven.” There are others who interpret the Greek as seventy times even, or 490 times.
As teenagers, we used to take that passage literally. If someone would do something that “offended” us, we’d look at that person and say, “That’s one.” Meaning they only had 48 more times (or 489, again depending on your understanding of Greek) to do that.
Of course, that’s not what Jesus meant. After all, it’s really hard to remember how many times someone does something that irks us and know how many times that particular offense has occurred from that particular person.
Still, there are those in our world who have no problem holding grudges. These people have been wronged in their eyes, and they have neither forgotten nor forgiven the transgression. For such people, the idea of forgiving someone is alien.
And such an attitude is completely foreign to the intentions of God’s will and our expression of love for Him and others.
Why Keep a Record, Anyway?
When people do us wrong, it causes all sorts of emotional turmoil within us. We become hurt, angry, sad—a mixture of negative feelings and thoughts. We generally select people in our lives that we are willing to trust. We demonstrate our trustworthiness to our friends and colleagues, and we expect the same treatment from them.
When a person betrays a trust or shows themselves to be unworthy of our trust, there are two ways to respond. We can forgive, or we can hold the grudge. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame me.” In other words, I learn from my mistakes, and my mistake was in thinking someone could be trusted. I’ll not make that mistake again. For such people, those who keep records, one and done is a common occurrence in that person’s life.
The keeping of a record is also indicated in the phrase, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” I bide my time, remembering the slight or the offense, mulling it over, nursing it, letting it build until just the right time. Then, when it will be to my greatest advantage, I get even for the wrong done me.
The funny thing about revenge or grudges is that they are not really very satisfying. The vast majority of wrongs done us are done unintentionally or unknowingly, so the one who has incurred our wrath is blissfully unaware of any wrong they have done. They may wonder why I’m being so cold toward them, and some may even ask me about it. I may be willing to tell them why I have chosen to spurn their friendship, and they may even ask my forgiveness. I may even tell them that I do forgive them. But if I keep a record of wrongs, it means I am not going to be willing to forget the original wrong, and, when another wrong inevitably occurs, that second wrong will just reinforce my original decision to unfriend someone.
Lest we think this is not the norm in our world, think again. We have come to a point in our society that we are beginning to see people who may disagree with us as enemies who are out to destroy our world and ourselves. As a result, how can I have a friendship with someone who “hates” all that is dear to me? How can I be friends with someone who is not only gullible, but also clearly devious and distrustful? We sink further and further into our own worlds and own places of reinforcement and affirmation of that which we believe and hold dear to the point that we refuse to listen to anyone different from us. We hold grudges; we keep a record of wrongs.
And this is wrong, according to the Bible.
Why the Bible Says It’s Wrong to Keep a Record of Wrongs
There is much to be said about the need to forgive. In fact, if we claim to be followers of Jesus, then forgiveness must be one of the cornerstones of our being.
In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7), Jesus gives us His Model Prayer. In that prayer is the phrase, “Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). After finishing giving the Model Prayer, Jesus then addresses the importance of forgiveness. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (vs. 14-15).
One of the major tenets of the Christian faith is that all have sinned and fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23) and that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23). The way to overcome sin is to realize that Jesus’ actions at Calvary, laying down His life for the atonement of our sins, allow us the opportunity to be released from sin’s consequences. The way we attain this release is through the confession of our sins and the profession of faith that Jesus died for our sins and redeems us, and that that redemption means we commit our lives not just to the forgiveness of our sins, but the commitment also to follow His example and His teachings. In short, we ask God to forgive our sins and commit to live in obedience to Him.
If we ask God to forgive our sins through Jesus, why should we not also learn to forgive the wrongs done us by others? Jesus tells a parable of a man who owed a massive debt to a king (cf. Matthew 18:23-35). The debt was so great that there was no way the debtor could ever repay the debt. Rather than hold the debt against the man, the king forgives the debt, and the man walks out of the king’s court debt-free. As the man walks down the street, he runs into someone who owes him a small debt—less than $10. The man owed the money demands the debt be paid, and when the second man explains that he can’t repay the debt then and there, the one owed the debt—the one who had been forgiven his unpayable debt not too long ago—has his debtor arrested and thrown into debtor’s prison until such time as the deadbeat can come up with the money. The parable indicates the king who had forgiven the enormous debt hears of the incident. The king brings in the man who had owed him so much, and re-institutes the debt against the man.
The point of the parable is that we, who are forgiven much, must also forgive the small slights against us. If we keep a record of wrongs, it means we are less likely to be willing to forgive, much less actually forgiving someone.
But Can We Really Forgive and Forget?
No, we can’t. It’s part of our nature that we remember things that hurt us, intentionally or not. We remember. I used to have a man in my church (he is since deceased) who used to describe it this way. If someone steps on our toes, we forgive them. If they step on our toes the second time, we forgive them. If the person approaches us a third time, we move our feet. Moving the feet doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven the toe-stepper, but we also remember the tendency and so we take steps to make sure the offense doesn’t happen again.
I had a run-in with a person who really did me wrong. She thought I had done her wrong (I had not, but she chose not to believe me), so she got even in spades. I confronted her about it, and she backed down to some degree, though she never acknowledged she had done wrong. I forgave her, but I am not her friend, nor is she someone I will ever trust fully again. I am wary about her. After the events took place, she had a need that I could meet. She needed to make a phone call, and her cell was dead. I lent her mine. The Golden Rule applies even if we don’t forget the wrong done us.
The fact that we may not be able to forget can affect us in ways we may not expect, rearing its ugly head at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. Satan is very good at roiling the waters by reminding us of wrongs done us, even if we have come to forgive them. Satan likes to bring them to the front of our memories with the intent that it will affect our walk with Christ.
It is at these times that we must see the problem for what it is, and deal with Satan as Jesus taught us. When Satan attacks, hold firm to the Truth that is found in Christ and in Scripture. Run—not walk—to God through prayer, with praise and thanksgiving as well as the request to overcome. Ask for the ability to recall verses that will help with the battle we are enduring, and yield ourselves to Christ and the Spirit that indwells and empowers us.
I’d like to say that once that’s done, Satan will go away and never bother us again about that particular matter. But that is not Satan’s way. Just remember that God will not let us be tested beyond our ability to endure (see 1 Corinthians 10:12-13), and that Satan may not give up forever, but we become stronger with each battle.
Such a battle cannot be won if we want to hold a grudge, if we want to keep a record of wrongs. If we want to stew in our hurt, if we want to nurse the grudge, then we sink into the pit that Satan is digging for us. Such a pit hinders our walk with God and makes us much less effective in our testimony.
Conclusion
I can still remember one man at a church where I was working. The man had been in a bad accident. His comment about the other person was, “I may be a Christian, but I have just enough of the devil in me that I’m not willing to forgive that person for causing the accident.” I understand the hurt and pain, physically and emotionally, but I don’t understand the willingness to hold onto the hurt and hold it against someone. I knew both men; the one who would not forgive was a bitter person; the person who had caused the accident was aware of the harm that had been done, had sought forgiveness, and he was not a bitter person.
So who gains from keeping a record of wrongs?
© 2019 Glynn Beaty