“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
“Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him” (Deuteronomy 30:20).
There are certain things we assume are done without thinking, things so easy that they are done automatically. Walking. Eating. Sleeping.
Most of us would add listening to this list, but we’d be wrong.
Listening is an important part of life, but it is not to be confused with hearing. We hear birds, trains, music playing softly in the background. Hearing is what comes naturally to most people, one of the six senses that help us to navigate in our world.
Listening, on the other hand, is a learned skill, an art that has to be honed and practiced in order to become effective. In order for someone to be a good listener, they need to be able to grasp not just the words said, but the tones and emotions being conveyed. Listening takes time, and is an excellent way to convey care for a person.
Jesus understood the importance of listening. “My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me” (John 10:28). The quote from James that began this blog also lets us know that listening is an important part of Christian fellowship and ministry. Moses, as he summarized the events known collectively as the Exodus, stressed the need to not only hear God’s voice but to listen to it.
Things That Hinder Listening
- Distractions
I believe one of the greatest hindrances to listening is distraction. If I’ve been watching a mystery on TV and it’s the last few minutes of the program, when the mystery is about to be solved, I really don’t want to have to stop and listen to someone. You may be talking, but I’m still trying to find out who the bad guy really is. It’s a good bet your words are flowing, but they’re not being picked up.
Busy at work, consumed with a specific project, focusing on getting it completed is not the best time to carry on a conversation that has nothing to do with the project. I may stop what I’m doing and act like I’m listening, but my mind is not on the conversation; it’s on the project.
- Responding
Surprisingly, another thing that hinders listening is the thought that we have to give a good response. Too often, though, instead of hearing what’s being said, we’re too busy formulating our next response to something we heard that triggered a thought that may or may not be relevant to the discussion. Someone says, “I went to lunch today at Pepe’s Mexican Restaurant, and the strangest thing happened.” A good listener would say, “What happened?” Many of us heard Pepe’s Mexican Restaurant and immediately thinking and waiting to say, “Pepe’s is horrible. You should go to Juana’s. It’s much better.” The really bad listener keeps on the issue of Pepe’s is bad, while the initiator of the conversation is trying to relate the strange thing that happened.
- One-up-manship
How many times have we heard a discussion that goes something like this:
Bill: I had a rough day today.
Phil: I hear ya. My day was rough, too.
Bill: It started before the work day began. I had a client sitting at the door waiting to talk to me. And it wasn’t just any client—it was my No. 1 problem client.
Phil: I hate problem clients. Mine’s a guy that seems to think I have all the time in the world, and he has to hear answers from me, even though anyone in the office can answer his question.
Bill: Then my computer went down, right in the middle of a paper I really needed to finish.
Phil: I hate computers. They never work like I want them to, and are always messing up.
The conversation goes on for another five minutes or so. Phil thinks he’s a good listener since he’s clearly showing empathy to Bill’s problems. The reality is that Phil is really talking past Bill, using Bill’s last comment to trigger a similar response that shows Bill that Phil’s problems are really worse—a one-up-manship that doesn’t address Bill’s needs or concerns. At the end, Bill walks away as frustrated as ever, and Phil walks away blissfully unaware that he has not only done nothing to help his friend but has only added to the frustration.
- The person just won’t shut up
There are some people in life who like to talk just to hear their voices or they can’t stand a silent void. The polite thing is to listen for a while, but also let them know that you need to end the conversation.
I was driving from the Texas coast to Waco, about a six hour drive, and I was taking two of my church members with me. One was an older man who sat in the passenger seat beside me. He’s lived an interesting life and it was enjoyable listening to his stories. For the first three times. But he kept it up until we reached Waco. We did what we came to do, and headed back. As soon as we started the long drive back, he began his stories again. By now I wasn’t listening.
Please understand—I am an introvert and I need some quiet to recharge my batteries. Driving with this man who never stopped talking was driving me to my wits’ end. Finally, I had to tell him that I enjoyed his stories (which was true the first few times), but that I really needed the quiet so I could focus on driving. He apologized and became quiet. For the last hour of the drive, we drove in peace and quiet.
Sometimes, we stop listening because the other person doesn’t know when to stop talking. We need to tell them when it’s time, but do so in a polite, Christ-like manner.
What Makes a Good Listener?
- Responding appropriately to the conversation
A good listener is one who is quick to respond to the actual message being conveyed. The good listener pays attention to the words being said, but also pays attention to what’s being conveyed between the lines.
Let’s go back to Bill and Phil. When Bill says he had a rough day, Phil’s better response could be, “I’ve had rough days, too. They can be brutal. What was it that made your day so rough?” That way, Phil is conveying empathy to Bill and also letting Bill know that he recognizes the conversation is about Bill’s bad day, not a competition of bad days.
Bill’s response would be about his problem client. Phil’s response could be, “Tell me about the person. Why is he such a problem?” This allows Bill time to flesh out the story about his problem client as much as he wants to. Bill may come back with, “I don’t have the time to go into all that makes him a problem.” Phil could then reply, “I’ve got all the time you need, but I understand if you don’t want to go into detail.” Phil is allowing Bill to then go into detail about the client or not. Bill knows that Phil is willing to listen, but he’s not going to pry into what isn’t Phil’s business.
And on and on the conversation can go. In this instance, Phil is listening by responding in a knowledgeable manner to what Bill is saying.
- Understanding the reason for the conversation from the beginning
A good listener is also one who has a grasp of why the conversation is taking place in the first place. A lot of times, the conversations we have deal with annoying things people do or observations on ways people can improve. Generally, these talks take place between spouses, significant others, parents and children, really good friends or business acquaintances. Such talks usually begin with the phrase, “We need to talk” in one form or another. It is these conversations that James’s advice at the beginning of this blog is so important.
When a person comes up to me and expresses a criticism, it is crucially important that I understand the purpose of the dialogue is to try to correct a problem, not to attack me personally. In this way, I make myself more willing to listen to what’s being said and either act on making a change or explain why I don’t think a change needs to be made. Maybe we can reach a compromise.
If I’m taking the criticism as a personal attack, my first response will be antithetical to listening. The first response will be something like, “Oh, yeah? Well, you do the same thing!” or “Well, while we’re at it, there are several things you do that annoy me, too.” This stops being a conversation and devolves into a series of accusations and personal attacks.
What if the conversation really is a personal attack? Two ways to approach it. The first way is to try to understand why the attack is taking place and respond accordingly. “You have stupid hair.” “Really? I like my hair. What is it about my hair you don’t like?” “I’m sorry to hear that, but thank you for caring enough to say something about it.” You get the idea.
The second response would be, “I really don’t want to go there right now, so either let’s change the subject or I’ll go find something else to do.”
Consider the person and the reason for the criticism/attack. If it’s someone who’s opinion we value, we need to find out where they’re coming from and resolve the issue as best we can. If it’s someone who just like to criticize, then walk away from it as quickly as possible.
Conclusion
These are just a few tips to help us become better conversationalists. The reason we want to listen to others is because it’s how we communicate not just the words being said, but also expressing our belief that the speaker is someone of value and worth who deserves to be listened to. Listening is a ministry and can open other doors of ministry and opportunity. We learn from listening. We gain from listening, and being a better listener makes us a better all-around person.
(c) 2017 Glynn Beaty