It seems one of the first phrases we are taught as children is, “I’m sorry.” We were told to say that when we did something wrong or bad. If we made another child cry, “I’m sorry.” If we threw a temper tantrum, “I’m sorry.” And so we came to equate the words with getting caught and having to make amends.
There is a popular show on television right now with a character that believes one should never apologize, because to do so is a sign of weakness. I disagree. The act of seeking forgiveness is a sign of strength, maturity and grace. It is a recognition of the other person’s worth as an individual and of the need to be in right relationship with others.
One of the central tenets of the Christian faith is the need to seek forgiveness from God for sins committed by us against Him. Because God calls us to a ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:16-6:2), there is a need for His followers to be aware of wrongs done and the need to seek forgiveness, both for wrongs done and wrongs received. In that ministry of reconciliation, we see the elements of forgiveness, grace and mercy.
Grace and Mercy
I’ve been told a good way to remember the difference between grace and mercy is that grace is receiving that which we do not deserve, while mercy is not receiving that which we do deserve.
God’s grace is demonstrated to us in the forgiveness of sins and restoration of fellowship with Him. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” Romans 6:23 states, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Numerous other verses throughout the Bible—both Old and New Testaments—show God’s grace extended to His creation and to us. The grace of God extends to His provision, His watchcare, His eternal presence through the indwelling Holy Spirit, a gift of grace we receive upon our profession of faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior.
God’s mercy is also shown in that, while He gives us eternal life in Christ and fellowship with Him as Father (see John 1:12-13), He also spared us from condemnation, from eternal separation from Him. While God does not remove the natural consequences of sin (I cheat on a test, confess it, and still receive a failing grade), He does remove the eternal consequences of sin by restoring us to right relationship with Him.
More will be written on the matters of grace and mercy at a later time, but I wanted to touch on it as it relates to forgiveness.
Forgiveness
Seeking forgiveness is difficult for us in part, I think, because of associating apologizing with putting us in a bad light. We find it hard to reconcile ourselves to our brothers and sisters, our friends, in part, because we resent the fact that we should take the first step even when we are the party that is wronged.
The problem is that quite often the party that has wronged us is unaware of the wrong done. I remember once my wife, older daughter and her boyfriend had gone to eat. I thought I was being affable and fun to be with. My wife, on the other hand, was not. At one point, she called me a name. I was offended. Later, she came to apologize to me. I was gracious in accepting the apology. Then she had the temerity to ask if I was going to apologize for my behavior. I told her I had nothing to apologize for. She told me I had been rather caustic in my behavior. I disagreed. I then went out and asked my daughter if I had been a bit of a jerk at dinner. She quickly agreed. What I thought was witty and fun to be with turned out to be quite the opposite. I then went to my wife and apologized.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 17:15-20 that it is the responsibility of the wronged party to approach the one who has done wrong. We should make this approach in a Christ-like manner, non-confrontational and with a sincere desire to seek reconciliation. Jesus says if we approach someone who has wronged us, we should seek to work it out between the two of us. If there is still agreement whether a wrong has occurred, then we take it to two or three others and seek to resolve it. Again, the purpose of the Christian life is to bring reconciliation to the front, and sometimes, if we have been wronged, we need to approach the one who has wronged us.
By the way, forgiveness doesn’t begin only once we receive the apology. The Christian’s response to a wrong is to forgive, and Jesus is our best example of this. As Jesus is being nailed to the cross, His words to God are, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The Roman soldiers were simply doing their job; they didn’t think they had anything to apologize for. As far as they were concerned, Jesus was just another convict condemned to be crucified. If Jesus can forgive at this time in His life, I think it shows we need to extend the grace of forgiveness to those who wrong us, as well.
The Art of Apology
It seems that, in my life, most of the apologizing comes from me, since I seem to have a knack for doing things that are wrong. In Matthew 5:23-26, Jesus tells us that if we remember or realize we have done wrong, we are to go to the person we wronged and seek their forgiveness. Failure to do so hinders our worship with God.
So, how does one apologize? I believe the best way to show is to look at the many faux apologies we see and hear each day.
- “I’m sorry, but. . .” No apology should include a “but.” When we insert the “but,” we change the apology into an excuse. We all want to justify ourselves, to put our own spin on a situation. If I can explain why I did what I did, then I can come off looking better and, maybe even get an apology from the person I should be apologizing to.
- “If I offended you, I’m sorry.” I call this the “celebrity apology.” We see it when some celebrity puts their foot in their mouth by being captured saying something insensitive or offensive. They always seem to begin their apology with, “I’m not really that kind of person. I never say such things. If I offended someone, . . .” The problem with this apology is that it places the burden of the offense on the one who was offended. What is really being said is, “I was goofing around and made a rather offensive statement. You should recognize a joke when you hear it, and I’m sorry you’re too dense/too sensitive to understand that.” If that’s what you feel, say it. It’s not an apology, but more a regret that the other person isn’t as quick-witted as you are.
Most apologies fall into the explanation/denial version. I believe the best way to apologize is to use words similar to this: “(Name), I said/did something that was wrong/hurt you/embarrassed you (be specific regarding the act). I apologize for the thing I did/said. Will you please forgive me?”
What Happens If My Apology Isn’t Accepted?
We always run the risk of seeking reconciliation and falling short because the other person isn’t ready to or is unwilling to mend the relationship. When we apologize, it often opens a door for the offended party to want to express their anger/resentment/disappointment. In the discussion, you may believe that you, too, have been wronged and will want to demand an apology in return. Resist this temptation with all your heart. The purpose of one’s apology is to express that person’s regret for the wrong done by that person. Rather than argue or seek to justify or seek reciprocal apologies, simply listen, and when it’s over, simply say, “You’re right. Will you forgive me?”
It may be that the person we speak to will ask us why we did what we did. At that time, simply explain what was going through your mind. Do not try to excuse it or spin it. Simply state the facts, again acknowledging that it was wrong, and let it go at that. Do not try to get control of the situation. That’s not what an apology is for. If there is a valid reason to express wrongs done you, there will come a time when such wrongs can be addressed.
There are also times when a person needs times to accept the apology. Usually, an apology will open up opportunities to discuss the matter, but the hurt one may be so hurt that it will take time to come to truly forgive. Give that person the time they need; remain a friend to them.
Then there are times when no amount of apology will result in reconciliation. There are some people that like to hold grudges, that prefer to remain hurt. If I have offered a sincere apology and earnestly sought reconciliation, and my efforts are unsuccessful, then I’ve done all I can do. Remain open to the person, be amiable toward them, but if a relationship is broken and one party doesn’t want to fix it, there’s nothing more we can do.
Conclusion
“To err is human; to forgive divine.”
Everyone I know is very human, especially me. That means we all wrong someone sometime, and we all need to practice the act of seeking forgiveness. Sometimes we are the wronged one, and that means we need to be willing to forgive.
It’s not easy, and it can be really complicated. But in the end, you will discover it is worth it.